I (F, 24) had a radical change in my life at the start of this year. I left everything I had ever known behind and moved alone to London (I’m from the US). I did this while being in a relationship (Mateo, M 26), knowing that we wouldn’t see each other for a long time and that it would be difficult. Just a day before moving, I reconnected with an old friend of mine(Julian, M 22), and we started talking more often, just texts and sometimes a call here and there. It was never with any other intention until, after a while, he confessed he had feelings for me — and I realized I felt the same way.

I didn’t act on it, we never did, but we talked more and more and the feelings grew for both of us even by just trying to be friends. I felt that the best thing to do was to stop talking, as much as it hurt not to talk, I thought it was the best decision given the situation. I had already been having problems with my boyfriend, Mateo, and the distance was becoming more and more noticeable. We knew it was something that could happen, and out of respect for our relationship and everything we had lived together, I decided to keep trying. If things didn’t work out, I didn’t want it to be because of someone else, but because we had genuinely tried.

However, even without speaking to Julian, my feelings for him kept growing, and things with Mateo weren’t getting any better. So I decided to end my relationship with Mateo, not even thinking about getting with Julian, it was just too many arguments and distance was too hard, as much as it hurt and as much as we cared for each other we were growing apart. I broke the no-contact rule with Julian before officially ending things with Mateo – not asking anything from him, he didn’t even know I ended things with Mateo for a while after I did— I just wanted to talk to him, to know how he was.

But everything changed. Julian didn’t talk the same way anymore, is as if he’d put on a wall between us to protect himself. He told me that he understood the position I was in, but that it hurt him a lot that I had stopped talking to him, and that during the weeks we weren’t in touch, he realized that the last thing he needed right now was something like this in his life, that he has other priorities and he doesn’t want to feel again the way he felt when we stopped talking. And I understand him, and I understand that I deserve to be alone after getting feelings for someone else while being in a relationship, I am aware that this might just be my karma, believe me I feel pretty guilty, even though nothing physical happened. I really did try to fight falling for him, I really really tried to get him off my mind.

But I love him. God I’m crazy, head over hills, wanna shout it from a roof, in love with this guy. I want to ask him to give me a chance, to really try this with me. I understand why he feels the way he does and that he doesn’t deserve it, but I’m falling apart over him. If he allows me, I won’t let things go wrong – I will give him the best version of myself.

Instead I told him I get it, it was a messed up situation and I never meant for any of it to happen, that I still very much care for him and want what’s best for him and that everything he’s feeling is valid, that I have to take accountability for my actions and live with the consequences of my choices, that I hope to see him in a future and talk things out.

But I really really want to try this. I feel that we’re walking away from something so good. I just wanna show up to his house or fly over there and ask him to grab a cup of coffee and talk. It’s almost 2000 miles by plane. WIBTA if I did this? Should I just leave him be? Or should I wait? Till the situation is not so recent.